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The Men's Center of Los Angeles
Beverly Hills/Woodland Hills
in Association with
Sacred Path Productions
Newsletter for April 2007
Voicemail: (818) 348-9302
Web Site: www.menscenterlosangeles.com
Contact: info@menscenterlosangeles.com
Our Mission:
"Bringing good men together and bringing out the best in
them"
Our Approach:
Helping develop a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment for
men by fostering vision, passion, authenticity and intimate connection
to self and others
Our Services:
Psychotherapy for individuals, families, and groups, as well as
our Sacred Path and Call to Adventure Retreats,
Workshops, Seminars, and Monthly Men's Gatherings
SPRING
RETREAT IS UPON US APRIL 19!
Colloquium
III on Saturday, May 12
IN THIS ISSUE:
A Message from the Director [click
here]
Upcoming Events - Mark Your Calendar
Mitch Roth: Colloquium 2 - The Sequel [click
here]
Rich Manners: Droit du Seigneur - Lechery or Longing?
[click here]
From the Daily Om: Honoring Life Changes [click
here]
Recommended Reading: Wisdom of Our Fathers [click
here]
Men's Teams [click
here]
Important Web Links [click
here]
CD's by Sacred Path Members Available [click
here]
Contribute to the Newsletter [click
here]
A Message
from the Director - Dr. Stephen Johnson
 Dealing
with Ordeals: What's the Gift?
On Monday, February 5th, I logged onto my Online banking and
noticed that one of my accounts was down by $2,000. When I pulled
it up to view I became aware that $2,000 in travelers' checks
had been withdrawn. By Tuesday morning it became clear that
over the weekend someone had invaded my Online system, having
changed my address to one in Lincoln, Nebraska. Before I could
close down the system, $2,000. more in travelers' checks was
withdrawn, compromising several of my accounts. I had been through
attempted identity theft three years ago, and it took weeks
to deal with that intrusion. I knew that it would require a
lot of redirected time and energy to handle this incursion into
the sanctity of my life. Given the rate at which identity theft
is impacting Americans, I imagine that many of you reading this
have firsthand knowledge. For me, this crisis launched the first
week of an ordeal that would challenge me in more ways than
one.
In the days preceding this, my 87-year-old mother's back was
giving her trouble and the pain was getting quite debilitating.
On Friday, February 9th, she informed me that she couldn't walk,
and we arranged to get 24-hour nursing care to assist her. On
Saturday morning I was heading over to her house following a
breakfast meeting with Richard Bizzaro, who had been diagnosed
with prostate cancer and was scheduled for surgery to have his
prostate removed. I am pleased to say that the surgery was successful
and Richard is doing remarkably well. He and I had a good talk
that morning, and as we were parting I experienced an extreme
pain in my right flank. At first I thought it was a sympathy
pain. However, having a history of kidney stones, it didn't
take me long to recognize the intense pain as a warning that
a kidney stone had moved into my right ureter, the connecting
tube between my kidney and bladder. I have experienced 6 or
7 stone episodes since my early 20's, and the first two were
quite challenging, necessitating extended hospital stays and
grueling procedures.
On this fateful morning I was about 30 minutes from the hospital,
and by the time I drove myself to the emergency room, the pain
had gotten to a level 8 on a scale of 1-10. The pain continued
to intensify and I started speaking in tongues, then proceeded
to vomit up my Mexican omelet: Olé! I was finally given
a pain medication IV, sent to radiology for a CT scan and admitted
after it was determined that I did indeed have a 4-by-6-millimeter
stone lodged in my ureter. Two days later, after it was further
determined that the stone had not moved and was not going to
pass on its own, I was taken into surgery to have the stone
pulverized through a laser procedure. A stent was inserted into
my kidney to keep the ureter from collapsing due to the post-surgical
trauma, and a Foley catheter was inserted into my bladder for
24 hours to allow me to completely empty it. I was discharged
after 5 days, and I returned to the doctor's office the following
Monday to have the stent removed. Ouch! The spasms that began
an hour later caused me to discontinue a therapy session with
a client and cancel the rest of my day.
The following day my wife and I arose at 4 a.m. to take her
to a hospital on the West Side for a three-hour surgery to have
her neck fused. She had sustained damage to her spine at three
levels in her neck and two in her lumbar region following an
auto accident two years ago when her car was struck by a car
driven by a teenager who abruptly pulled out from the curb without
looking to see if the coast was clear. While waiting for my
wife to return from recovery, I sustained another painful episode
requiring that I be taken down for another CT scan to determine
if a stone fragment was stuck in the ureter. I couldn't believe
that I was going down to radiology as my wife was coming up
from her own surgery. The scan did not reveal any stone fragments
but indicated that there was a fair amount of swelling and blood
clots that were causing the pain. I experienced five separate
painful episodes following the removal of the stent.
On Thursday, two days after my wife's surgery, my mother went
into another hospital for a two-hour surgical procedure to remove
bone spurs from her lower back. I spent the day with her, and
over the next week, I scurried between the hospital where my
wife was recovering and my mom's house where she was recovering.
The weekend following both of their surgeries was the roughest
for them. I was out of my office for essentially two weeks,
attempting to direct my energies where most needed and to recover
from my own physical challenges. While I was contemplating what
my family was dealing with, I was also reflecting on the serious
nature of the dramas that were being played out with people
suffering in Iraq and other war-torn or disaster-ravaged areas.
Whole families were being challenged in ways that are unimaginable.
I felt blessed to have so much love surrounding my wife, my
mom, and me, and to be cared for in ways that were so healing.
At the Colloquium in January, many men spoke about the challenges
that they were dealing with and how their worlds had been rocked,
but also how they were manning up to meet the adversity in order
to discover what the gift was that would come out of the ordeal.
Following the January Colloquium I read an article about a
new book by Sara Davidson titled, LEAP: What Will We Do With
The Rest of Our lives? The book excerpt described "the
narrows", the phase in a life where everything gets harder
– before it gets easier. Davidson, who had been a successful
TV scriptwriter for 24 years with several award nominations,
now at the age of 57, finds that she can't get hired. Besides
that, she's now alone without a partner and with kids away at
college. She can't sleep, waking at 2 a.m riddled with fear,
and her mind absorbed with questions about the meaning of her
life and what she's going to do with the rest of it.
For Davidson, it was the beginning of a period she later came
to call "the narrows, the rough passage to the next part
of life. In the narrows you're in the dark, stripped of what
you thought was your identity, and must grapple with questions
like: What do you really want to do with the time left? What
will make you feel most alive?" She found, after several
years of research, that everyone – no matter how much money
or achievement has been attained or not attained – must
go through the narrows. One may do it in the late 40's, or not
until the 70's, but if you don't do it voluntarily, the world
or your body will force you to.
It seems that every person goes through the narrows according
to character. Those addicted to gloom will see no hope. Those
who put a rosy slant on everything will see it as an opportunity
in disguise. Davidson stated, "My way was to assume the
fetal position and cry, berating myself for failing at work,
failing at love, with my kids – at everything. This is
what the Buddhists call the second arrow. The first is the bad
thing that happens. The second is what you do to yourself because
of the bad thing that happened."
She began looking for contemporaries who were going through
some kind of stripping, because she needed to see that people
could survive and find a way through their ordeals. She interviewed
icons like Tom Hayden, Ram Dass, Dr. Andrew Weil and 150 others
from all walks of life. She contacted Carly Simon, whom she
had known when they were younger. She had heard that Carly had
been through multiple blows, having been diagnosed with breast
cancer and going through a mastectomy at the same time that
she and her husband were drifting apart, that her kids were
moving off on their own, and her record company was abandoning
her.
The people that Davidson interviewed told her that she needed
to "surrender", and that rather than attempting to
power one's way through to one's goals, it's better to listen
and let things unfold. She detested the notion of surrender
because it seemed like defeat. I have heard a definition of
surrender as "moving over to the winning side". It's
not giving up, but more, giving in to the changes that are attempting
to get you unstuck and move you in a new direction. I've often
considered that the reason we are confronted with crises is
that it takes whatever it takes to get our attention and get
us off the dime and shift our energies in productive ways. Lessons
learned don't need to be repeated, but lessons will get harder
when they're not learned when they're easier.
As Davidson spoke with dozens who'd managed to make it out
of the narrows, she saw that each had had a conversion, and
each was different. She came to see "surrender" in
a different light. She learned that it's not giving up or being
a victim, but accepting that you're in a transition and can't
know what's ahead until you get there. As a friend described
it, throwing out her arms as if to meet a lover or embrace a
child, "You open yourself to what's unknown."
On a personal level, what came out of the ordeal that I have
been experiencing is a desire to reprioritize my life now. At
60, it's time to recalibrate how and where I devote my time
and energies. I find that pain is very purifying. It strips
you clean, helping you to shed excess body weight and toxins
as well as bringing with it a clarity of mind and a focus that
is enlightening. Buddha told us that Enlightenment is the absence
of suffering, but that one must suffer consciously in the process
of becoming enlightened. A friend of mine, who is a Roman Catholic
Priest, always reminds me to link my personal suffering to the
suffering of the Christ and to allow it to expand my heart to
become more compassionate.
I was grateful that my physical challenge had preceded that
of my wife and my mother. It increased my own compassion for
what they were enduring. On another level, I also linked my
own suffering to the suffering of those in the world who I don't
personally know, but who I know I am connected to in spirit.
I have faith that we, as a humanity, are striving to expand
our collective consciousness to include the awareness that we
are all one and, in so doing, to improve our ability to interact
and support one another through greater empathy and compassion.
In brotherhood,
Stephen
To learn more about the Executive Director of the Los Angeles
Men's Center and Sacred Path Productions, go to: www.drstephenjohnson.com
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Upcoming Events - Mark Your Calendar
20th
Annual Sacred Path/Call to Adventure Retreat April 19-22
This spring brings with it the 20th annual Sacred Path Retreat
for men and boys. The Call to Adventure Rites of Passage Retreat
for young men and their fathers or mentors also welcomes men
who would like to connect with themselves through the experience
of interacting with the young fellas. I have found that men
are more easily able to make contact with the boy they carry
around inside them when they are in the presence of the younger
men. All men and youth from age 12 and up are invited to participate
in this Call to Adventure. It will include ample opportunities
for interactive communication through Tribe, Clan, full community
gatherings and the chance to connect with individuals informally.
There will be safe, fun and challenging acitivities that will
allow you to push your edge and come away invigorated with
an uplifting sense of vitality. We anticipate that we will
have a community comprised of 100 or more, including our Wisdom
Council Staff of 20. There will be breakout sessions for the
boys and opportunities for the older men to gather to explore
issues specific to them. Perhaps, the boys and men will choose
to witness the deep work that each is doing in their breakout
sessions. We will provide an array of experiences for all.
Many of the men from the Fall Retreat have indicated that
they are bringing new men and youth to this next retreat.
We encourage you to enroll early to take advantage of the
discounts. Visit the web site www.menscenterlosangeles.com
to view the videos, read the Call To Adventure newsletter
and print out the registration form. Come celebrate our 20th
anniversary of Sacred Path Men's Retreats and join with your
brothers for an exceptional experience on the Mountain.
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ManUp
Colloquium III to be Held on Saturday, May 12
As a result of the great success of the last two events,
a third colloquium for men will be held from 8 AM to 4:30
PM at the Holy Spirit Retreat Center, 4316 Lanai Road, Encino,
on Saturday, May 12. It will be led by Dr. Stephen Johnson
and will deal with pertinent issues in men's lives,including
relationships, aging, sexuality, intimacy, anger, longing
and other subjects of import. Fees include morning coffee
or tea, morning and afternoon snacks, and lunch. Once again,
the group will be limited to 20 men, so reserve your space
early. The cost for the day is $150. For more information,
contact Rich Manners at (818) 888-8852 or
jyngleman@sbcglobal.net. If you use e-mail, make sure
you use" Colloquium" in the subject bar. He can
take your credit card info and reserve your spot. You can
also click on the "Events" page on the LAMC web
site and download the PDF application/Flier.
Weekly
Men's Groups are available in Woodland Hills and
Beverly Hills. Both Stephen Johnson and Dan Franklin have room
available in their weekly therapeutic support groups held in
Beverly Hills and Woodland Hills. More information at: info@menscenterlosangeles.com
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Mitch
Roth: Colloquium 2 - The Sequel
I had the privilege of assisting Stephen at the second men's
MAN UP COLLOQUIUM. It was held at the Marriott Courtyard on
Ventura and Sepulveda in Encino. It was attended by a few
guys from the first, and many who had not attended before.
It's interesting to me how many of the 20 men there "pulled
their covers" in admitting that they did not want to
go, indeed hoped for excuses to stay away. Yet, to a man,
everyone felt that the time and money were very well spent.
It is so clear that men of our culture are uncomfortable
sharing themselves with other men, and even more so, recognizing
that the experience of other men shared will be valuable in
their own lives. The work went from 9:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
with 45 minutes for lunch. Three sessions we worked all together,
and one session we worked in smaller groups roughly segregated
by age.
It quickly became obvious that we men confronted the same
life issues as our peers. One of the benefits of listening
is to get - really get - that we are not as isolated and alone
as we often feel.
The more subtle realization that I took from the experience
is of how dependent we men have become on our wives or relationships
with women in finding intimate relationships. I don't mean
intimate in a sexual sense, but intimate in the sense of sharing
our deeper thoughts, experiences, feelings and emotions. Of
course, as wonderful as these relationships with women are,
they almost always are mixed with conflicting stakes and agendas.
This underscores the enormous importance of using the events
of the Men's Center to network with other men and to develop
intimate supportive relationships. Not only will our effectiveness
in dealing with the challenges of living in the world outside
our families improve, but so too will our family relationships.
We have so much to give to each other, and to learn from
each other. The Man Up Colloquium is proving to be another
opportunity to forge those relationships and practice the
art of intimate communication and support between men.
–Mitch Roth
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Rich
Manners: Droit du Seigneur - Lechery or Longing?
 Under
a law known as the droit du seigneur ("right of
the lord"), medieval noblemen had the right to spend
the first night with newly-wedded brides in their fiefdoms.
The use of political power (or any exalted position in society)
as a means of gaining entry into women's beds has been with
us for thousands of years. The name of this phenomenon has
changed over the years (from ius primae noctus to droit
du seigneur to "the master's obligation" to
sexual harassment), but the concept has remained the same.
The custom of someone other than the husband being the first
to engage in sexual intercourse with a bride after the wedding
(and thus being the one to relieve her of her virginity) goes
back several thousand years and is tied to the concept of
God as the source of all life. If all life springs from the
creator, then surely his earthly representatives or human
incarnations are guarantors of fertility and abundant harvests.
Thus, for a bride to spend the first night of her married
life with (and give up her virginity to) a priest, the creator's
supreme authority on Earth, was seen as a way of ensuring
the newly-wedded couple's fertility and guaranteeing their
union would produce many children. (Priests were also considered
to have the duty of protecting grooms from danger of the blood
of defloration.)
I had first heard of this custom/legend when I was in high
school, and at that time I felt that it was just a vehicle
for dirty old men whose wives would no longer sleep with them
to find themselves some available nubile partners. There is
still a large quantity of truth in this theory, of course,
but now that I have reached my 66th year, I believe that there
is much more to the story.
For a majority of men, the sexual drive, although it slows
somewhat with aging, is still a integral ingredient in their
lives. A man longs for the excitement of being with a woman
who craves him as much as he does her. He longs for the emotional
and hormonal charge of being with a maiden whose flesh is
firm and responsive. He yearns for the glance of a woman to
linger on him as she scans the room, perhaps seeing him as
a potential bedmate, allowing him to feel still young and
virile. As Stephen Johnson says: Men seem to find it easier
to open their hearts after women open their legs. And
of course, it's just the opposite for women.
On the other hand, many women, as they age, lose much of
their desire for sex. Many reasons come into play: the time
and energy devoted to raising children; decreasing amounts
of hormones as menopause nears; cultural mores, especially
in the United states; and finding their husbands less sexually
attractive as they age, become paunchy, wrinkled and bald.
Women must listen to the incessant advertising that tells
them that they must be young (or young-looking) to be sexy,
and when a woman in her 40's and above doesn't feel sexy,
she doesn't act sexy. And, whether we men like to admit it
or not, women control whether sex happens.
So what do men do with these unresolved feelings? For most
of us, we must live with a mixture of longing and pain: longing
for a young woman's glance to linger on us just for a moment
instead of looking through us; longing for the remembered
rush of first love and incredible, energizing and exhausting
sex that seemed to last forever; and pain of knowing that
we will most likely never experience those moments again,
although our hunger continues unabated. Our longings are scoffed
at, joked about in movies and TV; we are called old farts
and lechers, or sexual harrassers, while our emptiness is
never acknowledged. We find short term relief with prostitutes,
massages with "happy endings", and some of us ensnare
ourselves in extramarital affairs, to the detriment and eventual
destruction of our marriages. Those with money and power can
still attract younger women, although in most cases it's no
longer the man who is attractive - just the percs that he
can furnish. We see cases like Anna Nicole Smith's nonagenarian
husband and other victims of gold-digging women, men whose
hunger for that rush of young love overpowers their good judgment
and common sense. We see movies like American Beauty,
in which Kevin Spacey's character, sexually rejected by his
own wife, falls madly in love with a high-school cheerleader
friend of his daughter's, works out to get into shape to woo
her, and actually winds up in bed with her. What a fantasy
for the rest of us! And what is Bill Clinton's oral sex fiasco
after all, but todayÕs version of Droit du Seigneur?
Is it any wonder, then, that those lucky medieval lords took
advantage of the opportunity to regain a few moments of their
youth, even if they lasted for only one night? I believe there
was a lot more to the story than just "the master's obligation"
or lechery. I believe there was also a reaching out for times
past and a lessening of the loneliness and longing that the
aging process brings.
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From the Daily Om: Honoring
Life Changes
The Wisdom of Fear
Anything worth doing will always have some fear
attached to it. For example, having a baby, getting married,
changing careers-all of these life changes can bring up deep
fears. It helps to remember that this type of fear is good.
It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new
life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder
that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of
moving into the new.
Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making
us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage
us. Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our
comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one.
Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and
move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and
out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the
more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let
us know that the time has come to move forward, or not. While
comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn
to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its
intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation.
Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is
significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.
You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing
its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are
making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and
listening or by journaling. Writing down whatever comes up-your
worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes-is a great
way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and
to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything
worth doing in your life.
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Recommended Reading: Wisdom
of Our Fathers
Sacred Path members can send in their
own reviews and recommendations of personal favorites, whether
they be novels, poetry, short stories, or nonfiction dealing
with men's work, essays, anecdotes, sources of inspiration,
etc. Each review could include a short blurb on the author,
or perhaps a short piece taken from the work. Send your favorite
reads to Rich Manners at:
jyngleman@sbcglobal.net
Wisdom of Our Fathers
by Tim Russert
273 pages
"I had hoped my book [Big Russ &
Me] would connect with readers, but certainly didn't anticipate
how it might affect members of my own family, including
the man whose name is in the title. Luke, Maureen and I
always go to Buffalo for Thanksgiving, and in 2004, a few
months after the book came out, we were loading up the car
to drive to the airport when Big Russ came over to me to
say good-bye. For as long as I can remember, dad and I had
always parted with a handshake and a half hug. But this
time he gave me a huge bear hug and said softly, "I
love you" – something I had never heard him say
before. I was fifty-four years old, and all I could think
was, Boy, I wish I had written this book thirty years
earlier!
– Tim Russert
What does it mean to be a good father? What
did your father tell you that has stayed with you throughout
your life? Was there a lesson from him, a story, or a moment
that helped to make you who you are? Is there a special
memory that makes you smile when you least expect it?
After the publication of Tim Russert's best
seller about his father, Big Russ & Me, he received
an avalanche of letters from daughters and sons who wanted
to tell him about their own fathers, most of whom
were not superdads or heroes, but ordinary men who were
remembered and cherished for some of their best moments
– of advice, tenderness, strength, honor, discipline,
and occasional eccentricity.
Most of these daughters and sons were eager
to express the gratitude they had carried with them through
the years. Others wanted to share lessons and memories and,
most important, pass them down to their own children.
This book is for all fathers, young and old,
who can learn from the men in these pages how to get it
right, and to understand that sometimes it's the little
moments that can make the big difference for your child.
For some in this book, the appreciation came later than
they would have liked. But as Wisdom of Our Fathers
reminds us, it is never too late to embrace it.
From the father who coached his daughter in
sports (and in life), attending every meet, game, performance,
and tournament, to the daughter who, after a fifteen-year
estrangement, learned to make peace with her father just
before he died, to the son who came, at last, to appreciate
the silent way his father could show affection. Wisdom
of Our Fathers shares rewarding lessons, immeasurable
gifts, and lasting values.
Heartfelt, humorous, engaging, irresistably
readable, and bound to bring back memories of unforgettable
moments with our own fathers, Tim Russert's new book is
not only a fitting companion to his own marvelous memoir
but also a celebration of the positive qualities passed
down from generation to generation.
– Rich Manners
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A new group will be forming in the Venice/Pacific Palisades
area. For more info on joining and meeting times, contact Nick
Rath at (310) 454-2965, or e-mail him at: nrath@adelphia.net
The West Hills Group is now filled to
capacity. For those interested in adding their names to the
wait list, contact Ross Avery at (818) 762-5022, or e-mail him
at rossandarlyn@sbcglobal.net
The West Side Men's Group is now filled to capacity. For
those interested in adding their names to the wait list, contact
Mark Kreher at (310) 581-6616 or e-mail him at: mark.kreher@verizon.net.
You can also contact David Sacks at (323) 369-3344, or e-mail
him at: sacks.d@gmail.com
The Thousand Oaks/Calabasas Men's Circle is currently meeting
monthly at the home of Bruce Figoten in Northridge, and includes
men from Thousand Oaks, Camarillo, Simi Valley, Northridge,
Los Angeles, and Hollywood Hills. If you have an interest in
participating in a men's group, contact Bruce at (818) 363-8864,
or e-mail him at: spinedr32@gmail.com
for more information.
David "Stongbear" Myers is heading up a team in the
San Gabriel Valley. If you're interested in joining, talk to
Strongbear at (818)541-9499, or e-mail him at: strongbear46@msn.com
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Important
Web Links
The LAMC web site now has a page dedicated to links to various
individuals and organizations who may be of assistance to members.
You'll find therapists, counselors, authors, realtors, health
resources, men's issues resources, assistance in fathering,
musicians, Native American and interfaith teachings, ceremonies
and camps,mid-life issues resources, and a lot more. If you're
reading the newsletter on a PDF file, simply paste this link
into your web browser to go to the Links page: www.menscenterlosangeles.com/links.html
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CD's by Sacred
Path Members Available
You can purchase the excellent CD's by Sacred Path brothers
Ed Munter, Tommy Holmes, Christo Pellani, Rich Manners
and Albert Marrewa.
Ed's CD's, Tracking Down the Soul and Soul Journey,
are available at www.innerpathproductions.org
Tommy's self-titled album can be ordered from www.TommyHolmes.com.
Christo's second album, Soundscape Pyramids – Resonance
Forms, is available at info@soundformation.com
Rich's CD, Speechless, featuring the voices of Mimi
Manners, is available at jyngleman@sbcglobal.net
Albert's Relaxing Into Now is available at www.albertmarrewa.com
In addition, talks by the Director of the L.A. Men's Center,
Dr. Stephen Johnson, are available on the LA Men's Center web
site, as well as several CD sets of past retreats. Go to
www.menscenterlosangeles.com
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Contribute
to the Newsletter
Does your creativity need an outlet? Here's a chance for your
unique words to appear on the printed page (or at least a computer
screen)! Send us an article, an anecdote, a poem, a joke; whatever
tickles your fancy. Please address your e-mails to Rich Manners
at: jyngleman@sbcglobal.net.
Bribes will be cheerfully accepted!
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