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The Men's Center of Los Angeles
Beverly Hills/Woodland Hills
in Association with
Sacred Path Productions
Newsletter for March 2006
Voicemail: (818) 348-9302
Web Site: www.menscenterlosangeles.com
Contact: info@menscenterlosangeles.com
Our Mission:
"Bringing good men together and bringing out the best in
them"
Our Approach:
Helping develop a greater sense of purpose and fulfillment for
men by fostering vision, passion, authenticity and intimate connection
to self and others
Our Services:
Psychotherapy for individuals, families, and groups, as well as
our Sacred Path and Call to Adventure Retreats,
Workshops, Seminars, and Monthly Men's Gatherings
SPRING RETREAT APRIL 20-23!
REGISTER
BEFORE APRIL 1st FOR DISCOUNTS
NEW INTERACTIVE
COLUMN: "ASK DR. JOHNSON" - SEE BELOW!
IN THIS ISSUE:
A Message from the Director
Upcoming Events - Mark Your Calendar
- Ed Munter: Soul Journey February 25
- Sacred Ways Events
- Spring Retreat and Call to Adventure - April 20-23, 2006
- Ongoing Men's Groups
Ask Dr. Johnson: Men in Their Fifties Less Hung Up?
Stephen Johnson: Who Will Initiate Our Boys Into Manhood?
- Part 1
Timothy Aguilar: You Are Woth Whatever It Takes
Jed Diamond: What Do Mid-life Men Really Want?
Nick Rath: I Know You're Out There - Notes to Heroes
in Hiding
Rich Manners: Passage into Elderhood - A Bumpy Crossing
Recommended Readings: A Man Without a Country
Greywolf's Native Spirit Lodge In New Larger Quarters
Men's Teams
Important Web Links
CD's by Sacred Path Members Available
Sacred Path Alumni Yahoo Group
Contribute to the Newsletter
A Message from the Director -
Dr. Stephen Johnson
 Greetings,
The retreat mailing went out at the beginning of last week.
If you did not receive the brochure, we may not have a current
address. Please call or e-mail us with any information that
needs to be updated in our database.
I wanted to just address a few questions or considerations
that you may have concerning the April Call to Adventure Retreat.
I think it's important that you are aware that this retreat
is focusing on Rites of Passage. We're not limiting our focus,
however, to youth only. We wish to acknowledge that there are
stages along the developmental cycle in which we cross from
one chronological dimension to another. We are honoring the
crossing of the youth into manhood. And we are also honoring
the crossing of the men into midlife as well as into Elderhood.
We will acknowledge and celebrate these important crossings
at this upcoming retreat.
You're also probably aware that we are offering the Ropes Course
this time to all registrants. Some of you may be wondering whether
you have to participate in this activity in order to be able
to get the most out of this retreat. Though we would encourage
you to stretch beyond your comfort zone to include this opportunity
if you can, we also want you to respect your limits. If you
do not wish to go through the course you can support the men
who do or you can participate in another activity.
I know that there are those who come to these retreats to be
able to have safe and intimate conversations with other men
who are around the same age. Even though you appreciate and
enjoy sharing the retreat with the younger males, we know that
you need some time that is set aside for being just with the
older guys. We are creating these opportunities so that no one
feels cheated from getting their needs met. This is a special
occasion for fathers and sons, boys and the men who wish to
experience mentoring the youth to convene on the Mountain. This
is also a timely opportunity for men to join with other men
to do their work.
The Wisdom Council Staff is meeting in March for a full day
workshop to prepare for the April Retreat. We are all committed
to serving you by bringing our best to supporting you in bringing
out your best. See you on the Mountain in April.
In the Spirit of Brotherhood,
Stephen
Upcoming Events - Mark Your Calendar
Ed Munter: Songs
of the Soul and Soul Journey
Find the Love You've Been Looking For... Look Inside!
Can art save the world? A Christian, A Muslim, and a Jew
performing in a revolutionary new musical seem to believe
it just might be possible. In this critical time, when mankind
seems to be divided into warring factions and we seem to be
balanced on the brink of a Holy War, Soul Journey
presents a completely different perspective that is inspiring
and universally accessible. Soul Journey, currently playing
at the Earth & Sky Performing Arts Center, plays like
a funny and touching spiritual fable of the soul's adventure
through the human experience.
As an audience, we are led through a soul-discovery process
to the moment of enlightenment that opens up to a joyful celebration
of our commonality. This collective discovery cuts through
global politics, religious beliefs, doctrine, dogma, spiritual
rhetoric and current world conflicts to arrive at a deeper
connection within us all.
Join Ed Munter, Christo Pellani, and Rashid Lanie
in this revolutionary theatrical experience.
Saturday, March 25, 8 PM
Earth & Sky Performing Arts Center
5521 Grosvenor, Playa Vista
(310) 281-6601
405 to 90 freeway / Centinela exit / left on Centinela
to Jefferson / right on Jefferson
Tickets are $20.00 in advance, $25.00 at the door
Sacred Ways Events
for 2006
March 4 - Mens/Boys Sweat lodge, Solvang 2 PM
March 5 - Women/Girls Vision Quest Lodge, Solvang 10 AM
March 31 through April 2 - East & West Retreat, Ojai Eco-sanctuary
April 1-2 Retreat, Ojai Eco-sanctuary
April 15 Mens/Boys Vision Quest Lodge, Solvang 2 PM
April 16 - Vision Quest/Community Lodge, Solvang 10 AM
April 20 through 23 - Sacred Path/Call to Adventure Retreat
May 10 through 14 - Vision Quest
May 20 - Sacred Ways 2nd Annual Fundraiser
June 9 through 11 - Retreat
June 21 - Summer Solstice Gathering, Solvang 7 PM
July 1 through 14 - Sundance, South Dakota
July 24 through 27 - New Hampshire, Connecticut
July 28 through 31 - New Milford, Connecticut
August 5 - Final registration for Fall Vision Quest
August 12 - Vision Quest meeting, 12 noon, Solvang
August 25 through 28 - Camping/Collecting Stone People, Mojave
Desert
September 9 - Mens/Boys Sunrise Lodge,Solvang, 6 AM
September 10 - Vision Quest/Community Sunrise Lodge, Solvang
6 AM
October 5 through 11 - Connecticut
October 19 through 22 - Sacred Path/Call to Adenture Retreat
October 28 - Mens/Boys Vision Quest Lodge, Solvang, 2 PM
October 29 - Womens/Girls Vision Quest Lodge, Solvang 10 AM
November 4 - Community Lodge, Solvang 12 noon
November 15 through 19 - Vision Quest
December 2 - Wopila Lodge, Solvang 12 noon
December 3 - Wopila Lodge, Solvang 10 AM
December 28 through January 1 - New Years Retreat, Ojai Eco-sanctuary
For more information, contact: www.sacred-ways.org
Spring Retreat
and Call to Adventure - April 20-23, 2006
As you all know, springtime has brought with it the opportunity
to hold combined Sacred Path and Call to Adventure/Rites of
Passage Retreats. This spring, all men and youth will be invited
to participate in the Call to Adventure events, such as the
ropes course. We anticipate that a community of 120 participants
comprising 100 men and youth as well as a staff of 20 will
be on the Mountain for this Retreat. There will be ample opportunity
for men wishing to share Sacred Space with other men to be
able to speak safely from the depths of their souls. We will
provide an array of optional experiences for all. Since many
of the men from the Fall Retreat have spoken about bringing
several new men and youth to the Spring Retreat, we expect
it to sell out early. Remember, you must register by March
13th to secure the Early Bird discount, and by April 1st to
secure any discount, including the one for first-time participants.
We will take late registrations on the first day of the retreat,
if space is available.
Weekly Men's Groups
are available in Woodland Hills and Beverly Hills. Please call
for information.
Ask Dr. Johnson: Men in Their
Fifties Less Hung Up?
In a new column within our Newsletter we will be featuring
a question and response opportunity for those who would like
some information about any issue that may interest you. Stephen
Johnson may respond to the question or may direct it to one
of the other men who is connected with the Men's Center. So,
if you need some advice or if you have a question that's been
bugging you, send it our way and we'll do our best to provide
some answers. Title your questions "Q&A for Dr. J."
and send them to: jyngleman@sbcglobal.net
Dear Dr. Johnson:
As I'm getting older I find myself missing the good old days
and envying the guys in their 20's and 30's who seem to be
having all the fun sexually. Is it true that the younger guys
seem to be happier with their sex lives or am I just hung
up on my age?
Hung up and hangin' down
Dr.J.: Dear Hung,
So, everyone knows that men in their twenties and thirties
have more satisfying sex lives than men in their fifties,
right?? Well, not so fast. Researcher, Professor Sophie Fossa
reported to BBC News that, "Although men experience more problems
and less sexual function as they get older, it doesn't necessarily
follow that they are less satisfied with their sex lives as
a result." A team, from Norway and the US surveyed 1,185 men
ages between 20 and 79, and found more problems with impotence
and declining sex drive in older men. But despite this, men
in their fifties reported similar levels of satisfaction with
their sex lives as those in their twenties. Professor Fossa
said, "The results of the study showed a very strong correlation
between men getting older and reduced sexual functioning,
but not between age and sexual satisfaction." Age accounted
for a 22% variance in sexual drive, a 33% variance in erection
issues and a 23% variance in ejaculation issues. But age only
accounted for a variance of 3% in overall satisfaction. The
results reveal that, although men experience more problems
and less sexual function as they get older, it doesn't necessarily
follow that they are less satisfied with their sex lives as
a result. Details of this study are published in the urology
journal BJU International. Ronald Bracey, a psychologist with
a special interest in male sexuality, told the BBC News website
he was not surprised by the results. "Men in their thirties
and forties are often too stressed by things such as being
successful in their career to enjoy sex. But by the time men
get into their fifties they have usually adjusted to what
they want out of life, and tend to be less hung up, less concerned
by what other people think of them, and less prone to performance
anxiety." So take heart; it seems that it's a trade-off. We
may be less well-hung as we get older but we do tend to be
less hung up about sex as we enter elderhood.
Stephen Johnson: Who Will
Initiate Our Boys Into Manhood? - Part 1
The current generation is not the first or even the last
generation to experience a separation between fathers and
sons. It was as normal for fathers to be out of the house
for stretches of time in the past as it is today. However,
in the past children did not suffer the loss of male kinship
as much as they seem to today. In the past, there were always
grandfathers, uncles and mentors who stepped into the position
of support for a boy when the father was off to war, or on
the hunt. These men felt responsible for initiating the boys
into the varied realms of manhood. They intuitively knew the
sacred rites of passage, and how to guide the youngster through
the traditions and rituals that would bring on an immense
life-change.
In modern societies, many of our youth feel lost and disconnected.
A genuine sense of community seems to be missing. In older
cultures, it was common knowledge that the fruits of the future
germinate from the seeds of the present. They had a perspective
concerning the turbulent period of adolescence unrest, which
gave them a greater appreciation for the importance of their
own multifaceted roles in the lives of their children.
It does indeed "take a village" to raise a child. When the
youth experience the support and acceptance by the community,
they tend to accept themselves and find their place in the
overall makeup of society, which benefits society as well.
Malidoma Somé, a Dagara Shaman from West Africa, once
explained that there was no word for depression in his tribe.
When a child is born in the tribe, his place in the tribe
is already established. He grows into his role; he is given
his identity. Depression comes from a sense of purposelessness
and despair. When one knows who he is and is recognized for
his unique talents and gifts, he tends to be imbued with the
sense of a larger Community Self that transcends the limits
of his individual ego. This, however, must be forged like
metal at some point so that it becomes an integral part of
the boy's personality.
In many tribes, there is a time when the boy is ripe to be
taken by the men from the camp of the women to the men's camp
across the river. The women feign protest, but it is understood
by all that their protests are in vain, resulting in a strange
mixture of futility and relief. The predominance of the mother's
influence in the life of her son starts to shift. This begins
a transitional process of discharging the confusion inherent
in the boy. At first, he is ambivalent about individuating
from the mother and moving toward the father and cannot fully
grasp the importance of this process.
For a period of at least six weeks, the boy is taught and
tested by the men on the basics of the transition from boyhood
to manhood. By the time he returns to the village, he is celebrated
and acknowledged as being different. He is no longer the boy
who scampered between the women's and men's sides of the village.
He is now a man who will reside on the men's side. It is expected
that he will shed the trappings of his childhood and undertake
the challenges and responsibilities of manhood. The initiatory
experience, executed through traditional rites of passage,
provides a tangible blessing for the young man that formally
welcomes him into a new station of maturity. Often, this is
evidenced by a visible wound or scar that signifies the intensity
of the ceremony. It is something that others can see, and
something that the boy-turned-man now has to remind him of
his passage from one state of being to another.
Michael Gurian, author of several books including A Fine
Young Man, The Wonder of Boys and The Good Son:
Shaping the Moral Development of Boys and Young Men, claims,
"Rites of passage are a lost art, yet our pubescent boys hunger
for them. For over two decades, anthropological studies have
confirmed that males need rites in order to mark their passage
into manhood. The need for these rites correlates biologically
to hunter/gatherer times. The majority of today's boys and
men do not hunt prey with weapons, but they seek the challenge
that the hunt implies. When boys aren't given these rites
by their families, they nonetheless go out and try to prove
manhood through high-risk, self-created rites of passage,
and gangs to hunt with, often damaging their communities in
hopes of proving they are becoming men and ought to have the
respect of men." (Personal interview January 22, 2004)
It is a sobering realization that there are so many boys
in our culture who feel so disenfranchised. These are the
hapless ones who glimpse that they may never receive respect
or be welcomed into the community of men. These are the lost
boys, the misfits, who experience themselves as different
from the others, lacking entitlement. They do not fit in,
and they sense that they will not be let into the camp for
those in line to be initiated. A condition of despair and
desperation moves into their hearts and souls. Shame and rage
grow out of their despair and may be discharged at those who
stand in the way, who essentially block their right-to-passage.
In extreme cases, these boys end up in explosive rage responses,
as in the case of the school shooting at Columbine High School.
These boys are in desperate need of recognition and guidance
from caring and concerned elders who could open the world
of their spirit to them through attention and admiration.
Perhaps the epidemic of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
impacting our young males is really a symptom of a deficit
of attention. Young boys tell stories of their fathers
who are missing, are too busy, or seem not to really care
about them. They tell me that they feel that they are on their
own, without guidance, having to find their way through the
world. They have told me that they wished that there were
men around that they could talk with who would help them define
what it means to be a man. They want to know what it means
to be initiated into manhood.
The word "initiation" means to "enter"
or "start," so initiation is the starting point,
not the end point, for the adventure of living. If a young
man feels competent around other men and confident in himself
about his manhood, one could say he has been initiated into
the cultural ideal of masculinity. All previous cultures were
spiritual in one way or another, so the goal of initiation
is spiritual awakening. For millennia, primal tribal men initiated
their sons. These were men whose every act was imbued with
mythology, with the awareness of the spiritual as well as
the physical consequences of each act. These men consciously
initiated their sons by inducting them into and perpetuating
the rights, privileges, responsibilities, and history of the
community.
So who will initiate the sons of modern times? Men of any
age who are missing a rites of passage experience as a demarcation
between boyhood and manhood should consider creating an opportunity
for them to have such an experience. It is never too late.
Some men acknowledge that they do not feel like real men,
but like boys masquerading as men. These men may have never
received a blessing or initiatory experience from a father,
a mentor, or a community of men. Therefore, they do not feel
that they have something to give to a boy who is seeking this
form of recognition.
It is important for men to find a community of men who have
elders that are eager to nurture younger men. Men who have
had rites of passage themselves recognize the importance of
giving back to younger males in search of meaning. Observation
shows that whether in circles with inner city boys or boys
from the suburbs, they want the same things. The stories that
they tell us are frequently similar. They talk about their
alcoholic fathers, about divorce, about physical and psychological
abuse, or simply that no one seems to care about what is going
on within them. Their stories are gut-wrenching and can make
someone cry. They have not shared their stories with anyone
before until they sit with the men who provide the sense that
someone cares, that someone really wants to listen. (continued
next month)
Timothy Aguilar: You Are
Worth Whatever It Takes
Hello Brothers and Sisters of the Sacred Path,
WOW!!! Many thanks for the wonderful response to last month's
newsletter. My intention was to create a connection, a desire
to share common ground with you. It is still amazing to me
that simply by being
myself, I attract such incredible people to my private practice.
What a way to create a living; I am truly blessed. Sixteen
years ago it was only a dream that I could LOVE what I do
for a living.
It's true, when you LOVE what you do, passion comes with
ease. I am ignited when I hear that SOULFUL call for healing.
My reason for BEING here is confirmed, I feel complete and
at PEACE. We all deserve to experience our lives this way.
Do you live in complete self-acceptance? If not, are you
aware of what is in your way? Can you imagine how your life
would be? If not, will you give yourself permission to DREAM?
I understand that you may face the risk of another disappointment,
but YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU ARE WORTH WHATEVER IT TAKES!
Will you bring the SPIRIT of this to our April retreat? I
understand that life may have broken you down, left you with
doubt or little energy for yourself. You may even be hopeless.
Welcome home, where the help you may need is waiting for you.
The staff of the "Sacred Path" is committed to supporting
you through this delicate journey into WHOLENESS. The staff
is gathering for a special training to enhance our abilities
as guides towards this. What a privilege it is to see the
LOVE these incredible men have for BEING of service. Their
presence with themselves and with each other is simply magical.
I feel a wonderful sense of pride being a man walking shoulder
to shoulder with these committed men. I pray in my sharing
this, that a new level of confidence moves through our community
and creates a sense of safety that only deepens. It's the
calling and it's time. Can you resonate with this?
Many of the responses from last month's newsletter wanted
to know how I could help them FIND THEIR JOY. Let's start
in the more obvious places - you know, the ones that are right
in front of us. Do you frequently say, "there's never enough
time?" Can you imagine that you have said this in your mind
enough times to create a belief? Can you see your relationship
with time? Can you see how the struggle begins? With this
unconscious belief we create our lives. This is how we end
up feeling like there is no time for ourselves. So, let's
create some time for ourselves (One place we may find time
is the time wasted in front of the TV). Are you one who still
says, "just killing some time"? Let's become the ARTISTS we
were born to be and design our lives. Let's change how we
have filled our lives up with what will only leave us empty.
We are now on our way to finding our joy! I realize that many
of you already know all of this. You just have trouble remembering,
right?
Your mind may be full of many beliefs that you wish you didn't
have. Let's stop pretending not to know. Let's be bold and
bring our voices to it .We can't waste any more time; it's
our lives we are talking about. Let's treat our lives like
they mean something. By holding our lives as meaningful we
will feel more valued from the inside. It's the beginning
of the end of unconsciously looking to be valued from the
outside.
This is only a glimpse of what our retreat can be. Will you
fully participate? Will you come to the edge of yourself and
take the leap? Do you realize that not only will you be helping
yourself, but affecting those around you in a very powerful
way? Your willingness helps create the chemistry of our MAGICAL
retreat. The reward is movement towards self-acceptance. Move
into self-acceptance, become more at PEACE within. Become
more at peace within, move closer to life in BEING. Live life
in being, be in communion with SPIRIT.
Would you like some homework? Please read A New Earth
by Eckhart Tolle, I highly recommend it. Eckhart has outdone
his best seller, The Power of Now. This brilliant sage
has become even clearer. I believe our brother Stephen had
mentioned this in recent past. Jump in. Highlight the parts
that are challenging for you, open yourself to being able
to ask for help (we all need it from time to time). Bring
your questions to our retreat and we will do our best to GUIDE
YOU TO YOUR OWN ANSWERS. This is how I guide. I ask the gentle
questions that lead you to your answers, which truly come
from inside. This way I am empowering you and you will come
to trust yourself more. Teaching self-empowerment, this is
the way of the "Sacred Path." Yes it's true: we may have answers;
we have dedicated our lives to being STUDENTS OF SPIRIT. I
am simply sharing one of the valuable lessons I have learned.
Much Love,
Timothy
Jed Diamond: What Do Mid-life
Men Really Want?
On December 21st I celebrated my 62nd birthday and things
didn't seem quite right. Throughout my life I have had birthdays
in the winter, in my case on the winter solstice, the shortest
day of the year. However, this year my birthday was on the
summer solstice. Carlin and I had been traveling in Australia
and New Zealand since October 5th and had arrived at the southern
tip of New Zealand for my birthday. As we shared a glass of
wine and watched the sunset around 9:30 PM, I began looking
back on my life.
I remembered the book Seasons of a Man's Life by Daniel
J. Levinson. His research, which was the basis for Gail Sheehy's
popular book, Passages, suggested that the life cycle
evolves through a sequence of eras each lasting roughly twenty-five
years. The eras are partially overlapping, so that a new one
is getting under way as the previous one is being terminated.
Levinson describes the sequence as follows:
1. Childhood and adolescence: Age 0-22
2. Early adulthood: Age 17-45
3. Middle adulthood: Age 40-65
4. Late adulthood: Age 60 -?
As a man entering late adulthood, I thought back on my middle
years, and it seemed so much more complex than most people
seemed to realize. The cliché for mid-life men is that
all they want is a red sports car, a young blond to sit beside
him, and enough Viagra to keep his erections rock hard forever.
On reflection, that didn't summarize what I wanted as a mid-life
male, yet like most clichés this one has a grain of
truth.
I never bought a red sports car, but for the first time in
my life I thought about what kind of car I might like. I had
always bought cars that would serve a function. When I was
young, I wanted a car that was cheap and reliable. When I
got married and had kids, I wanted one that was safe and got
good mileage. Now I hankered for a car that I would have fun
driving. I settled on a white Toyota Rav4. I liked how it
looked, how tall I felt sitting up in the cab, and how the
seats folded down so I could hall lots of stuff.
I never ran off with a young blonde, but I did have my fantasies.
I loved my wife and enjoyed our life, but sex wasn't always
as hot as I hoped. However, even in my dreams, it wasn't just
hot sex I hungered for. I thought about women who were soft,
gentle, kind, and considerate; women who admired me and thought
I was Prince Charming even when I was irritable and grouchy.
Now, the truth is, my wife often treated me that way. But
it must be said that while I was being a mid-life man, my
wife was being a mid-life woman. She often had a sharp edge
about her that both delighted and intimidated me.
Based on cross-cultural studies throughout the world, Professor
David Gutmann, author of Reclaimed Powers: Toward a New
Psychology of Men and Women in Later Life, found that
during the middle years, men and women experience a gender
cross-over. "Men begin to own, as part of themselves, the
qualities of sensuality, affiliation, and maternal tendencies-in
effect the 'femininity' that was previously repressed in the
service of productivity and lived out vicariously though the
wife.
"By the same token, across societies," Gutmann continued,
"we see the opposite effect in women. They generally become
more domineering, independent, unsentimental, and self-centered."
Is it any wonder that mid-life men might fantasize and be
drawn to a younger woman who was more yielding, dependent,
sentimental, and nurturing.
OK now, let's talk about Viagra and the other erection enhancing
drugs now available. When I googled "Viagra," I found over
13 million listings. "Cialis" showed over 7 million listings
and "Levitra" nearly 5 million. Is there anything new we can
say? I think there is. The cliché is that men want
rock hard erections so they can have intercourse longer and
more often with a sexy partner. Yes, but here's a truth most
mid-life men won't tell you. We like to have erections even
when we don't have intercourse. Why? Because having erections
is fun. I still remember how embarrassed I was when I first
starting having spontaneous erections when I was 11 or 12
years old. But I soon learned to hide my embarrassment and
enjoy the feeling of power, excitement, and that unpredictable
rush of sexual energy that ran through me when my Levis began
to bulge.
Erections don't come as easy to me now. When I do get an
erection, having sex definitely crosses my mind. But mostly
I just like to enjoy the feeling of aliveness that ripples
through me. I feel young again. Spring has sprung. Life is
good. I'm alive and my one-eyed friend wants to play.
So, what do mid-life men really want? I think there's a whole
lot more than meets the eye.
Nick Rath: I
Know You're Out There - Notes to Heroes in Hiding ©2006
It is unfortunate that fathers in America are painted with
the brush that only paints negative pictures. With one swipe
of the brush the "Deadbeat Dad" hits the pages of a thousand
newspapers. Another swipe of this brush and statistics of
marriages ending are linked to womanizing fathers. A wider
swipe portrays fathers as abusers, of both spouses and children.
Enough.
I know you are out there. I stood along the sidelines watching
soccer games with Dads coaching, and Dads
officiating. I have been in the parks and seen you caring
and playing with your children. I have had your kids in classrooms
and heard them talk about you, and the many things you are
teaching them about life as an adult. I've seen you in the
workplace, pictures on your desk of the kids who call you
Daddy, and heard you talk about their dreams, and what you
are doing to help those dreams happen. I know you're out there.
Someone somewhere seems to have decided that the way to get
people to do something is to guilt and blame them into it.
Someone thinks that if they can cite statistics and studies
that show how many fathers there are who aren't good role
models, or aren't paying child support or aren't something
that the men who "aren't" will start being. The people who
think like this don't know much about human nature.
If we want children to learn a new behavior, a new way of
taking care of themselves, we do not begin by telling them
how awful they are for not doing it. We don't begin by giving
them statistics and study results that show that many people
their age are already doing it the way we want them to do
it. We begin by making it clear that the role expectation
of them is the new behavior, and we tell them about the benefits
to them first and then to others of them doing the new behavior.
Then we show the children what it is that we want them to
do - and keep showing them. Psychologists call this role modeling.
It is also called "walking the talk."
People in government want us to get with the program, start
being better fathers. They cite studies, statistics and they
fund programs to force, shame or coerce men into being better
fathers. Government was not and is not where the changes will
happen. The changes will happen at the lunch table where men
sit with their friends to have lunch. The changes will happen
at church, from what the pastor, priest, rabbi or minister
says (and the way they live) and the man-to-man conversation
that happens after services. The changes will happen at the
kitchen table. The changes will happen when men tell men their
expectations of each other - that the real value of men in
the lives of children requires them to be there, in every
way.
I know you're out there! Millions of good Dads who are home
every day either as Stay-at-home-Dads or after work, taking
care of their kids, changing diapers, bathing little people,
nurturing them, kissing babies, making lunches, leading boy
scouts and teams of every sport. Living and breathing the
positive roles of fatherhood. In 1994 at a National Conference
titled, "The Role of Men in the lives of Children" four main
positive roles were identified for fatherhood.
The Role of Breadwinner. "I get to go to work twelve
hours tomorrow." My Dad spoke those words often while I was
growing up. He worked hard to buy a home in the fifties, and
then had to travel over a hundred miles away to earn enough
money to make the payments. He lived in a tiny shared apartment
during the week and came home on the bus every weekend. I
never heard him complain. "I'm out doing my job, and I'm depending
on you to do yours. You get good grades, and learn while you're
at school. When you're at home, help your Mother." When I
was in junior high, my Mom started working too, and I got
to do more. I had already learned that I didn't have to, I
got to. Thanks, Dad. It seems that some of the people who
write and speak in the media have the belief that this role,
Breadwinner, is the only valued role a father has after sperm
donor. "Just send the check." How Dad relates to the role
of Breadwinner has a lot to say about how his children will
relate to work, earning a living, and the concepts of abundance
and enough. This role is important whether Dad is the sole
Breadwinner or a partner in this role. Equally important are
the other three roles.
The Role of Moral Teacher. Dad as moral teacher. As
a coach I have heard lots of parents say things like, "Do
what I tell you and don't ask questions." Teachers love the
questions. Questions tell the teacher that the lights are
on and somebody is home. Fathers teach moral behavior by the
way they behave in the world. When they behave as honest men,
their children learn honesty. When they model courage, their
children learn to be courageous. When they use the language
of virtues, ethics, and morals along with their behavior,
their children will learn these traits. Speak up, Dad; someone
thinks that Mom can do this teaching just as well without
you. When parents talk about the thought process they use
as they do the things they do, as they are doing them, the
children around them learn to think like their parents. Dads,
next time you fill out a resume, add Moral Teacher to the
job skills. I know you are teaching the moral and ethical
standards that you live by, and most of you are doing a good
job.
The Role of Sex Role Teacher. I see men treating the
people in their lives with tenderness and respect. Daddy pushing
a stroller holding his child as he walks along the beach.
Dad explaining the game of baseball to his young son while
they sit in the bleachers. Dad making sure his wife's or his
child's car is ready for a short trip. Dad showing his son
how to speak to a woman by the way he speaks to his wife and
his mother. Dad showing his daughters how to have a loving
relationship with a man and what she can expect from him in
return. I have seen fathers with tears sliding down their
proud faces when they watch their child graduate. All of us
have seen the joy on the face of a father when he witnesses
his child getting married. Ask those fathers about the hundreds
of hours every year of that child's life that were spent by
him, concerned if he was doing a good job teaching that child
how to be a responsible man or woman. The sex roles have changed
dramatically since I was a child; they are more inclusive
now and each adult of either gender benefits from the changes.
For most parents it still comes down to being respectful,
loving, and responsible. People finally have permission in
our society to voice their preferences as to how they would
like to be treated by the people around them, but everyone
wants the people around them to behave with respect, love
and with personal responsibility.
The Role of Nurturing Father. I have seen fathers
walking hand in hand with their children. At Magic Mountain,
I saw a man walking hand in hand with his teenaged daughter
and his wife, and another Dad with his arm around the shoulders
of his son. I see Dads carrying their young children, hugging
them and kissing them. It makes my heart happy to see these
things. I see Dads in the library reading to children. I see
them in the park having a picnic with their little kids. I
know fathers who nurture their children. I also know fathers
who nurture their wives. I know fathers who nurture their
ex-wives too. Nurturing is not some alien behavior not taught
on Mars. Men can learn it, and they can learn it from the
millions of nurturing Dads already giving lessons every day
here in America.
Your Role. Would we like to see more of these four
roles? Yes. Will we inspire men to live these four roles by
spouting statistics about how some Dads are failing? No. If
everyone, men and women, would take a moment to let Dads know
that their nurturing behavior has been noticed, those Dads
will do more.
Mothers, speak well of the good things the men in your lives
do. Tell them what they do that pleases you. Tell them what
would please you if they did it. If we speak this as the truth
about men, it will become the truth even stronger than it
is today. When men begin writing to the media and point out
the good that Dads are doing, perhaps we can really see the
changes and the greatness of the Dads right here in America.
I know you're out there! And I know you're great!
Nick Rath facilitates classes and seminars for parents.
He can be reached at Nrath@Adelphia.net
or (310) 454-2965. He is Dad to 3 biological children 3 stepchildren,
6 adopted children and 18 foster children. He speaks from
experience!
Rich Manners: Passage
into Elderhood - A Bumpy Crossing
I turned 65 last Saturday. I was surprised how traumatic
the approach to this milestone was to me. I think several
factors came into play to make this an occasion fraught with
heavy emotion:
 1.
I received my Medicare card. Even though this means my wife
and I have to shell out a lot less for health care, the knowledge
that I am now an official Medicare recipient immediately made
me feel a member of the next-to-die generation,
2. My mother (the only member of my family to survive to
this age) died at 65, kicking up fears of my genealogical
destiny staring me in the face, even though I take Yoga, Tae-bo,
and aerobics classes five times a week,
3. I looked in the mirror and saw this 65-year-old face staring
back at me, realizing that according to our ageist society,
I was now on the junkpile of people deemed no longer useful,
and
4. Aside from my wife and a couple of older friends back
in Chicago, nary a soul acknowledged my crossing this threshold
into elderhood.
The lack of recognition, especially from Sacred Path, was
quite painful, and several questions came up for me - is Sacred
Path really a community of men, or do we just get together
twice a year for four days on top of a mountain? Do we have
time in our busy lives to care about other men and help them
through the rough places? Some people answer that we as men
are hard-wired to be lone wolves and don't have the natural
bent toward community as women do. Others say that we are
so caught up in everyday work and competition that we have
no time or energy to make community viable. Then why do we
bother with the retreats, newsletters, web sites, weekly groups
and all the rest, if this is all a bunch of smoke and mirrors?
Since joining Sacred Path, I have felt that this organization
was one of the few hopes the world had in waking men out of
the macho deadness they had learned in order to survive in
this culture. I have stepped up to make this a viable community
by mentoring participants at the retreats, co-leading bimonthly
groups, editing the monthly newsletter, initiating lunches
and dinners with other Sacred Path men, and stepping up to
any other opportunity that came my way. But, if other Sacred
Path participants don't understand that it's up to each of
us to bring his piece of life into the community, then I'm
just kidding myself as to the outcome of this venture.
Our retreats are focused around Rites of Passage for men
of all ages. Stephen Johnson writes, "I want the Call to
Adventure to be recognized as offering an opportunity
for men of all ages to experience a rite of passage and certainly
the crossing into elderhood is significant." But I feel that
there should be a special provision made for those of us making
the transition into elderhood - a crossing made more painful
by a purposeful brush-off from our youth-crazed society. What
I needed desperately at this time and did not receive was
an acknowledgment of what I had achieved in my life in order
to get to this point, as well as the value that I still have
to the future of this community. Most of us are going to reach
this juncture in our lives and look around us for much-needed
support and acknowledgment. Will it be there for us? I believe
that Sacred Path must give as much energy to the older men
as we do the younger, and stress parts of the program dealing
with elderhood and its implications. A special name and emphasis
has been given to the initiation of younger men: Call to
Adventure. It is time for us to issue a Call to Elderhood
as well.
– Rich Manners
Recommended Readings
This month, we continue a new feature
which will be a regular part of the newsletter. Sacred Path
members can send in their own reviews and recommendations of
personal favorites, whether they be novels, poetry, short stories,
or nonfiction dealing with men's work, essays, anecdotes, sources
of inspiration, etc. Each review could include a short blurb
on the author, or perhaps a short piece taken from the work.
Send your favorite reads to Rich Manners at:
jyngleman@sbcglobal.net
A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY
by
Kurt Vonnegut
145 pages
“Our children have inherited technologies whose byproducts,
whether in war or peace, are rapidly destroying the whole
planet as a breathable, drinkable system for supporting life
of any kind. Anyone who has studied science and talks to scientists
notices that we are in terrible danger now. Human beings,
past and present, have trashed the joint.
The biggest truth to face now – what
is probably making me unfunny now for the remainder of my
life – is that I don't think people give a damn whether
the planet goes on or not. I know of very few people who are
dreaming of a world for their grandchildren.”
–from Kurt Vonnegut's A Man Without a Country
This fast-paced nonfiction volume is Kurt Vonnegut's hilariously
funny and razor-sharp look at life, art, politics, himself,
and the condition of the soul of America today. Written over
the last five years with the examples of Mark Twain, Jesus
Christ, Abraham Lincoln, and a saintly doctor named Ignaz
Semmelweis powerfully in mind, plentifully illustrated with
artwork by the author, A Man Without a Country is an
intimate and tender communication from one individual to his
fellow Americans, sometimes joking, at other times despairing,
always searching.
This is one of the most clearly written visions
about today's America and its impact on the planet, bringing
into sharp focus Vonnegut's decision, along with Einstein
and Twain, to give up on the human race and its chances to
become humane and reasonable. Even Vonnegut's irascible sense
of humor fails when he speaks of the irreparable harm done
to the planet and to each other. The book ends with a requiem
for the planet.
The crucified planet Earth,
should it find a voice
and a sense of irony,
might now well say
of our abuse of it,
"Forgive them, Father,
They know not what they do."
The irony would be
that we know what
we are doing.
When the last living thing
has died on account of us,
how poetical it would be
if Earth could say,
in a voice floating up
perhaps
from the floor
of the Grand Canyon,
"It is done."
People did not like it here.
Greywolf's Native Spirit Lodge
in New Larger Quarters
The Native Spirit Lodge has moved to a facility 2 1/2 times
larger than the old store. It is now located at 22559 Ventura
Boulevard in Woodland Hills, two blocks west of Shoup on the
north side of the street. Greywolf and David have augmented
their stocks of stones, crystals, carved turquoise, necklaces,
bracelets, and Native American goods including pipes, talking
sticks, drums, rattles, various smudges and more. They will
have a complete supply of Tibetan Singing Bowls arriving in
April. Hours are Wednesday through Sunday, 12-6 PM. The phone
number is still (818) 703-7046. Remember to ask for the Sacred
Path discount price when you purchase your goods.
Men's Teams
A new group will be forming in the Venice/Pacific Palisades
area. For more info on joining and meeting times, contact Nick
Rath at (310) 454-2965, or e-mail him at: nrath@adelphia.net
The West Hills Group is looking for a
few Good Men. For more informationon the time and location of
the next meeting, contact Mitch Cohen at (818) 343-0312, or
e-mail him at freehand@earthlink.net
The West Side Men's Group meets every first Thursday of the
month in addition to our required monthly gathering on the third
Thursday of the month.In February, the West Side Men's Gathering
will get together again on Thursday, March 2nd as well as Thursday,
the 16th, location to be determined. For more information or
to join the group, call Mark Kreher at (310)581-6616 or e-mail
him at: mark.kreher@verizon.net.
You can also contact David Sacks at (323) 650-8239, or e-mail
him at: dasacks@yahoo.com,
The Thousand Oaks/Calabasas Men's Circle is currently meeting
monthly. If you live near this geographic area and have an interest
in participating in a men's group, contact Matthew at (818)774-1000,
or e-mail him at: matthewburke@singerburke.com
for more informaton.
David "Stongbear" Myers is heading up a team in the
San Gabriel Valley. If you're interested in joining, talk to
Strongbear at (818)541-9499, or e-mail him at: dj0814myers@earthlink.net.
Important Web Links
SACRED WAYS, Andrew Soliz' organization dedicated to
promoting growth and healing through traditional Native American
teachings and ceremonies. To check on the latest events, ceremonies,
sweatlodges, and other information, log on to www.sacred-ways.org.
To contact Andrew directly, e-mail Andrew@sacred-ways.org.
ALBERT MARREWA, counselor, instructor of martial arts,
consultant, lecturer, and workshop facilitator. Access Albert's
web site at www.albertmarrewa.com
for biographical information, lists of services, and calendar
of events, or e-mail Albert directly at albertmarrewa@aol.com.
HIS SIDE, the weekly radio program on KTIE 940 AM hosted
by Glenn Sacks. Go to www.hisside.com
to find out about future programs, sign up for the weekly newsletter,
listen live via streaming audio at 5 PM every Sunday, and contact
Glenn directly.
MEN ALIVE, the web site hosted by Jed Diamond, psychologist,
author, and speaker. Jed spoke at our first monthly gathering
and again last November, outlining his new book, "The Irritable
Male Syndrome: Managing the 4 Key Causes of Male Depression
and Aggression". Go to: menalive-on@lists.mcn.org
to receive Jed's weekly newsletter online, and contact Jed directly
at: jed@menalive.com.
CHRISTO PELLANI, Sacred Path's Master Percussionist.
Stay current with events featuring Christo and his friends by
logging onto his web site: www.soundformation.com.
ED MUNTER, originator and star performer of Soul
Journey. Find out about the latest performances of this
soul-stirring experience, as well as CD ordering info and more
about Ed himself. Log onto www.innerpathproductions.org
INTERFAITH INVENTIONS, an organization dedicated to
enriching the lives of children and adults through programs
that promote respect and understanding between people of diverse
faiths. They are developing a national network of summer camps
to bring together Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Native
American, and other faiths' children to have fun and to form
lasting relationships. The camp experience includes developing
a relationship with the natural world around them; sharing family
stories, food customs, drumming and music; exploring shared
values of compassion, reconciliation and respect for others
through sacred texts and stories from their traditions as well
as art projects, games, camp fires, and informal play time.
The summer program includes following up activities to help
forge lasting relationships between the children and their communities.
For more info on this highly worthwhile organization, contact
Phil Dichter, President of Interfaith Inventions, at: www.interfaithinventions.org
CD's by Sacred Path Members Available
You can purchase the excellent CD's by Sacred Path brothers
Ed Munter and Tommy Holmes, and Albert Marrewa.
Ed's CD's, Tracking Down the Soul and Soul Journey,
are available at www.innerpathproductions.org
Tommy's self-titled album can be ordered from www.TommyHolmes.com.
Albert's Relaxing Into Now is available at www.albertmarrewa.com
In addition, talks by the Director of the L.A. Men's Center,
Dr. Stephen Johnson, are available on the LA Men's Center website,
as well as several CD sets of past retreats.Go to
www.menscenterlosangeles.com
Sacred Path Alumni Yahoo Group
What does Sacred Path do to support men after they have completed
their retreats? The Sacred Path Alumni Discussion Group is one
answer to that query. It provides a means for our community
of men to have ongoing e-mail contact and discussions with their
fellow Sacred Path Retreat graduates. Membership is restricted
to graduates of a Sacred Path retreat. The simplest way to sign
up is to send an e-mail (its content is irrelevant) to: Sacred_Path_Alumni-subscribe@Yahoo.groups.com.
You can also join from the Sacred Path Alumni's home page:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sacredpathalumni.
Once you have become a member of the discussion group, you
can begin using our Sacred Path Alumni Yahoo Group immediately.
Members are able to use any or all of the following features:
Contribute to the Newsletter
Does your creativity need an outlet? Here's a chance for your
unique words to appear on the printed page (or at least a computer
screen)! Send us an article, an anecdote, a poem, a joke; whatever
tickles your fancy. Please address your e-mails to Rich Manners
at: jyngleman@sbcglobal.net.
Bribes will be cheerfully accepted!
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